Journal: The Fine Art of Conversation

Note: This Journal entry was written on September 22, 2001, as I walked on the Old Tokaido. Take a look at that day's Logbook for more.

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It's a standard joke here. The beginner speaks broken Japanese, a word here, a grunt there. As he learns more, he begins to develop good, subject-object-verb sentences, with all the particles in the right places. Then, as he reaches near-native fluency, he discovers that all the Japanese people are speaking broken Japanese!

Japanese is a highly contextual language. Conversation often consists of no more than an adjective with a question mark, and an affirmative.

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Lesson 1: Small Talk

(NB: In English, Small Talk is often considered a way to "break the ice." In Japanese, Small Talk is the ice.)

Here's your first lesson.

Learn a handful of adjectives to describe the weather and other conditions. Try hot, cold, dark, quiet, and hard (as in "hard work").

Add these terms:

ne=a question mark, like "isn't it?"

so=thus, I agree

Here's a complete conversation that will get you out of almost any social fix:

A: (Adjective), ne?

B: So.

That's it. A hot day? You start.

A: Atsui, ne?

B: So.

You've climbed a slope and are starting down the other side. Some people are coming toward you up the slope. You start:

A: Taihen (hard), ne?

B: So.

(Note: If they're really chatty, they might say "So, ne?" or "So desu, ne?"--which adds the verb "to be"--or even repeat your sentence: "Taihen, ne?")

That's it for Lesson 1.

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Lesson 2: International Relations

Sometimes people are startled to see I'm a foreigner. (Maybe it's the hat.) If this happens to you, try this:

A: Eh? Gaijin!

B: Eh? Nihonjin!

Translation:

A: What? A foreigner!

B: What? A Japanese person!

Works every time.

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Lesson 3: Dealing with Cabbies, Old People, and Other Incessant Talkers

Learn these three phrases:

1. Hai.

2. So (or So desu ne?)

3. Eh, eh, eh.

All of these mean "uh-huh" and should be used interchangeably and non-stop as the other person speaks.

For variety, you may choose to say number 2 with a rising inflection to indicate surprise or admiration. Thus:

Cabbie: babble, babble, babble...

You: Hai, hai. So, so, so. Eh, eh, eh. So desu ne.

Cabbie: [pauses as though something important were said.]

You: SO??!!

Cabbie: babble, babble, babble...

That's all there is to speaking Japanese... like a native.

Any suggestions for Lesson 4?

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Posted September 30, 2019